Wands and Carrotts
by justyouwait
Summary: When Tonks hides Harry's wand in a box of carrotts, harry's attacked by Veela, and since when did God go-kart?


It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Harry Potter, woke up in a bush. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously puzzled, Harry Potter hit a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, he realized that his beloved wand was missing! Immediately he called his enemy in training, Nymphadora Tonks. Harry Potter had known Nymphadora Tonks for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Nymphadora Tonks was unique. She was easygoing though sometimes a little... abrasive. Harry Potter called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Nymphadora Tonks picked up to a very unhappy Harry Potter. Nymphadora Tonks calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters turn red before mating, yet venomous koalas usually surreptitiously sneeze *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Harry Potter. Why was Nymphadora Tonks trying to distract Harry Potter? Because she had snuck out from Harry Potter's with the wand only ten days prior. It was a curious little wand... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Harry Potter got back to the subject at hand: his wand. Nymphadora Tonks belched. Relunctantly, Nymphadora Tonks invited him over, assuring him they'd find the wand. Harry Potter grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Nymphadora Tonks realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the wand and she had to do it aimlessly. She figured that if Harry Potter took the homemade car, she had take at least ten minutes before Harry Potter would get there. But if he took the Firebolt broomstick? Then Nymphadora Tonks would be ridiculously screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Nymphadora Tonks was interrupted by four clueless Veelas that were lured by her wand. Nymphadora Tonks sneezed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling exasperated, she fearlessly reached for her ripened avocado and deftly slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent-the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Firebolt broomstick rolling up. It was Harry Potter.

-o0o-

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Harry Potter was out of the Firebolt broomstick and went scandalously jaunting toward Nymphadora Tonks's front door. Meanwhile inside, Nymphadora Tonks was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the wand into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind her refrigerator. Nymphadora Tonks was relieved but at least the wand was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Nymphadora Tonks flamboyantly purred. With a hasty push, Harry Potter opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive coke fiend in a amphibious vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Nymphadora Tonks assured him. Harry Potter took a seat alarmingly close to where Nymphadora Tonks had hidden the wand. Nymphadora Tonks panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Harry Potter was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Nymphadora Tonks noticed a selfish look on Harry Potter's face. Harry Potter slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Nymphadora Tonks felt a stabbing pain in her double chin when Harry Potter asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the wand right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Harry Potter's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Harry Potter nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Nymphadora Tonks could react, Harry Potter deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The wand was plainly in view.

Harry Potter stared at Nymphadora Tonks for what what must've been three seconds. A few freaknasty minutes later, Nymphadora Tonks groped scandalously in Harry Potter's direction, clearly desperate. Harry Potter grabbed the wand and bolted for the door. It was locked. Nymphadora Tonks let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Harry Potter,' she rebuked. Nymphadora Tonks always had been a little clueless, so Harry Potter knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Nymphadora Tonks did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at her or something. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he gripped his wand tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Nymphadora Tonks looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Harry Potter. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Harry Potter. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Nymphadora Tonks walked over to the window and looked down. Harry Potter was gone.

-o0o-

Just yonder, Harry Potter was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Nymphadora Tonks's place. Harry Potter had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Veelas suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the wand. One by one they latched on to Harry Potter. Already weakened from his injury, Harry Potter yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Veelas running off with his wand.

But then God came down with His intelligent smile and restored Harry Potter's wand. Feeling exasperated, God smote the Veelas for their injustice. Then He got in His tricked out go kart and sped away with the fortitude of 153 legless puppies running from a enormous pack of venomous koalas. Harry Potter stumbled with joy when he saw this. His wand was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes his favorite TV show, The Muppets, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When long-haired sea monkeys meet pipe bomb'). Harry Potter was ecstatic. And so, everyone except Nymphadora Tonks and a few ebola-toting long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after.

* * *

_**I didn't write this. i found a website that created stories if you added certain stuff and I thought it was funny enough to share**_


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